Ok, Gut. Here’s the deal. I know as we get older, you’re going to not appreciate things we once enjoyed together. People change. We grow apart. You’ve already shown some changes. We used to love sharing garlic, but as of late I’ve noticed that if I have too much you tend to get unhappy. One would almost go as far as to say unagreeable. That’s fine. I can accept that. That’s kind of a bummer, because garlic does tend to be mighty tasty. But it gave us nasty breath anyway. And it had that cloying stickiness that would catch in the back of my throat, requiring remedies of something sweet (preferably ice cream). Out of respect for the people around us and our every widening ass, going lighter on the garlic is not necessarily a bad thing.
But here’s the thing. I’ve started noticing another little trend that, quite frankly, is causing me some serious distress. Because while I’m willing to lighten my garlic consumption, there are some things that will cause me to completely lose my shit if I have to give them up.
Let’s make a deal right now. I will feed you more of whatever it is you want. Need more veggies? Done. An apple more than once a month? I can do that. Some whole grains and maybe a probiotic supplement? Fine. Whatever you want. But that means that you must do one thing for me.
You cannot, under any circumstances, deny me my spicy foods.
It has not been consistent. Not enough to make me think this is a regular thing. Pardon the pun. But you’ve given me troubles often enough that I see a road I don’t wish to go down. I love my spicy foods. I genuinely enjoy the taste of jerk, cajun, and my beloved buffalo wings. If you reject spicy foods, where will I go to celebrate all my birthdays, anniversaries, and other special occasions? Not to mention football season. How would Buffalo Wild Wings recover from the financial losses that would result from my not being able to eat there? Seriously, Gut, you and I are singlehandedly keeping them in business with our love for boneless wings and Wild sauce. Do you want to be responsible for the downfall of a major corporation? Do you?!?
I don’t think I have to explain how dire this situation is. We need to reach an agreement. So you name it, whatever you want. I’m more than willing to meet you halfway. Just don’t take away my ability to eat spicy things. There will be consequences for your unwillingness to abide by the terms of this truce. I personally promise to destroy you. You have been warned.